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“It’s okay Mom- you can go now. I will take care of Dad and George. I love you with all of my heart.” Tears streamed down my face as I spoke, clutching her feeble cold hands so tightly I couldn’t feel them go limp. But I knew she was gone. My brother, George, was outside at that very moment and heard a raven screech loudly overhead- he knew she had died as well.

My mom passed away twelve years ago from cancer- I was nineteen years old. She had a rare ocular melanoma that spread throughout her entire body. Her oncologist at the time told her this cancer hit one in a million people. “Why couldn’t I have just won the lottery?” she asked with a smile.

Valerie used to walk into a room and have everyone laughing and befriended within minutes. Those that encountered her always remembered her bubbling laugh, her glowing smile, her generosity. She would offer the repairman iced tea on a hot day.

But she had a dark side, too.

My parent’s marriage was on the rocks ever since I can remember, and my mother found solace in alcohol. She would drink heavily multiple nights per week, and I would wake up to her screaming at my father, and to doors slamming. I never once saw them kiss, and they never slept in the same bedroom.

It wasn’t until I was a teenager that I realized she was dealing with a deep sadness induced by alcoholism.

Despite her addiction and subsequent mood swings, she was my best friend. Everything I did in life was for her, and similarly she found her happiness and purpose in supporting my brother and me in any way possible. When I heard she was diagnosed with cancer, I drowned myself with work and school. I had two part-time jobs and was a full-time student at Colorado State University. I couldn’t bear the pain — I had to keep moving.

Over the past few months I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on my life and address my feelings regarding my mother’s death. I still feel a great deal of sadness, and it will always be a battle to find peace and solace with the deep heartbreak that accompanied her death. While time is a great healer, my sorrow remains to this day. I used to sweep my feelings under a rug by being busy. Now, I’m learning to acknowledge my emotions. It’s okay to be sad sometimes.

“When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.” ~Kahlil Gibran

I have been blessed with the ability to live a dream — climbing full-time and experiencing love to its fullest. I can’t help but think my mother is beaming down on me from above.

Today is a beautiful day — my mother’s birthday. Just like a dream, the leaves are shimmering in the sun and the clouds are bright. Remembrance is all we have of our loved ones passed- may they live forever through those that they have touched.

~Heather Robinson, prAna Ambassador

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