Hi, My Name’s Alli Rainey, And I’m A Rock Climber Who’s Afraid Of Heights… Seriously
Acrophobia and Rock Climbing – How Love Has (Mostly) Overcome Fear
I’m afraid of heights.
I hate that statement, even though it’s the most common one used to describe acrophobia, the fear of heights. But the words “fear” and “afraid,” at least to me, someone who has worked with words for a large part of her living, don’t quite capture what I’m feeling when confronted by an exposed climbing situation, one in which I can genuinely feel how far off the ground I am and how much air is underneath me. Perhaps the term “afraid” comes the closest when used to describe a feeling of apprehension about what might happen, with apprehension being a “fearful expectation or anticipation,” according to Wordnet.
What does happen when my fear of heights overtakes me? Rational thought ceases, and bodily, visceral panic ensues. I lose all confidence in my physical ability, feeling waves of nausea overcome me and tears of utter terror spring into my eyes. My heart rate goes up, my muscles tense up, my breathing quickens, and my body prepares for fight or flight mode – only in this case, its instinctive response is to hunker down like a scared rabbit playing the “if I stay really, really still the big bad predator won’t get me” game.
Needless to say, this doesn’t really work all that well in rock climbing situations – it doesn’t offer a solution to keep me moving safely and surely through exposed sections of climbs or dealing with fourth or easy fifth-class approaches and descents. Not moving equals going nowhere, and usually frustrating my climbing partner in the process (not to mention myself). When I first started climbing, this led to some really awful situations, though thankfully, nothing got hurt in them besides my ego. I had too many incidents to count when I would just freeze up and be unable to move across some easy terrain, often on exposed traverses or approaches. Without the rope, all confidence dissipated immediately, and all I could feel was the potential for falling, falling, falling. My body insisted that I not move, instead responding with tears and trembling. Fabulous…
Nonetheless, I did love rock climbing from the very start more than any other sport I’d ever attempted. It may seem like a very odd choice given my obvious and deeply ingrained fear of heights, I agree. But the thing was, when I started climbing, the place I started at couldn’t have been better for someone to gradually work through and start to manage a fear of heights. The outdoor 35-foot tall vertical bridge built of granite blocks was top-rope only (unless you soloed it, like some of the guys did). All of the climbs were way too hard for me. I started out by getting about three feet off of the ground on my first day. I was captivated by solving the puzzle, putting all of the little pieces of beta together to succeed. It took me almost three months, and during that time, I had plenty of opportunity to get used to each incremental movement higher up the wall, as well as to learn to inherently trust my climbing equipment and my belayer.
I’d still been climbing for less than a year when I experienced my first fall into space on an overhang. I absolutely flipped out, screaming in terror as I clutched the rope, spinning in midair, unable to get back on the rock, totally irrational and unable to even come close to grasping the concept that I was actually fine. My partner had to lower me; I couldn’t deal with anything else. Granted, he had dropped his belay device and was belaying me on something he’d “rigged up” out of sight from above, which wasn’t exactly the most confidence-inspiring introduction to climbing horizontal roofs. But still, I was horrified by this outburst, and I continued to be ashamed for years at my seeming inability, despite my growing climbing experience, to easily handle exposed situations, technical approaches, and yes, even walking across logs over running water.
I realized this winter as I looked back over my almost two decades of climbing that I’ve come a long, long way from that screaming teenager dangling in midair and clutching her rope for dear life, even while I struggled yet again with an approach to the crags that involved icy terrain and fixed lines. At first, I felt the demons rise within me every time I ascended and descended; I had to have someone else carry my pack. For a couple weeks, I had to put my harness on and go after it via ferrata style; I couldn’t really handle it well any other way. Though I want to climb too much to let something like a sketchy approach stop me, I still felt totally ridiculous watching everyone else hand-over-hand up and down the rope on this ice-covered slab with seemingly little thought (though I did feel slightly vindicated when an experienced ice-climbing friend told me he wouldn’t make fun of me for being scared of it – I guess it maybe is a tiny bit treacherous for real?).
As I via ferrata-ed my way down one day, feeling utterly ridiculous as I did so, I joked about starting a support group, (“Hi, my name’s Alli, and I’m a rock climber who’s afraid of heights…”). But at the same time, it slowly dawned on me how much progress I’ve made in confronting and managing an issue that could have just as easily stopped me from pursuing rock climbing. In fact, I’ve done what the National Institute of Mental Health recommends as the most effective treatment for most people with phobias: I’ve undergone systematic desensitization/exposure therapy, and I continue to use this approach with each new scary situation I encounter. The cool thing is that now, even though it still takes me longer than other climbers to be okay with situations like this fixed-line approach, I do manage to get comfortable with them eventually – and yes, I was proud to “redpoint” the fixed line sans harness and carrying my own pack within a few weeks of exposure to it.
If being a climber means having to deal with this fear for me, I’m finally just okay with it. It doesn’t make me love climbing any less – in fact, I appreciate the added mental challenge that it puts me through on a regular basis, forcing me to handle and effectively manage my constantly diminishing but still very much alive (at least when compared to most long-time rock climbers) acrophobia. At long last, I have just accepted this about myself, realizing that hey, at least I can actually get to the climbing area on my own now, even if it takes me longer to get there than everyone else (at least at first), should that approach involve something that triggers my acrophobia. Better yet, I can lead routes and take falls and not have the fear of high places cripple my actual climbing ability or movement – and that was definitely NOT always the case.
No, I’ll never be one of those climbers who revels in exposure, spends the night on a big wall, or free-solos near her climbing limit. In fact, every time I step away from roped climbing for even a little while, I have to go through an adjustment period to getting used to being up high and handling the sense of exposure when I lower off, especially on steep rock (hmm, this probably explains a lot about why I avoided steep rock climbing for so long, too…). And what I still really hate is swinging out when I let go of the cliff; honestly, I hate even watching other people do that, or watching them walk near the edges of a cliff.
If you have a fear of heights, just know that it’s likely that you can, at the very least, manage it to the point that you can actually enjoy rock climbing for the incredible movement and challenges it presents to you, like I do. Be patient and gentle with yourself, and just take it one step at a time – but make sure you’re taking steps, every day you can, in order to make continuous progress. Learn to trust your equipment and your belayer – and most of all, yourself and your ability. As long as it’s safe for you to fall, aim to focus your attention on the climbing at hand as often as you can, instead of how high up you are. Just like in any other climbing endeavor, don’t compare your ability to handle heights or lack thereof to others; this will only lead to frustration and irritation. Instead, lend yourself a helping hand of encouragement and take pride in every small accomplishment you make in chipping away at your foe.
~Alli Rainey, prAna Ambassador
For more information on phobias, including acrophobia, see HelpGuide.org’s Phobias and Fears: Symptoms, Treatment, and Self-Help.
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This is actually why I started climbing to begin with! To get over my fear of heights. It still gets me sometimes, though.
April 25th, 2011 at 10:53 amWow. Fantastic article. You really embody the source of my fear. I started climbing at 34 years old last summer and I’m totally addicted to it now. There’s a sixty foot granite block bridge abutment near me that I practice on. It’s the nearest thing within three hours from my house. There are bolted sport routes, plenty of gear placement opportunities, and almost every route is equipped with top anchors. Anywho, I got a chance a couple weeks ago to take a trip to a real crag in West Virginia. Although I had become accustomed to leading and taking moderate 15 to 20 foot falls on my home turf, nothing could have prepared me for the intense fear that gripped me at a real crag. I don’t know whether it was the extra elevation, the bigger crag, or the roofs and three-dimensional layout, but when I got about fifty feet up my first climb (top-roping no less) I felt a fear that I’ve never felt before. It completely enveloped and consumed me. All I could think was “I wanna get down I wanna get down” and I don’t mean like James Brown. I clumsily thrutched through another ten feet or so to the roof sequence, then a foot hold broke off under the pressure of my weight. That was it for me. Although I did climb the rest of the day, I didn’t do so up to my potential. Nowhere near. The events of that day really put climbing in perspective for me. Now, more than ever, my resolve is strengthened to overcome my fear of exposure and being up high, although I have no illusions that it will not be an uphill battle. Your story gives me inspiration and an extra boost to move forward and submerge myself in my goals, my fear, and my love of this unique and wonderful sport. I thank you.
April 25th, 2011 at 11:27 amThank you SO much for this post. I am 40 and just started rock climbing…well, bouldering. I thought by bouldering I could avoid my issues with heights. Not so. At all. I have had issues topping out on the “warm up” boulders. The first time I made it to the top and mantled…my heart raced, I could barely hear, and I felt paralyzed…once I collected myself I realized “one problem down and one to go”…how’m I gonna get off this thing? Going through the “fear process” totally depletes your body of all energy, so as much as I wanted to “top out” once more that day to “seal the deal” that I could do it, I was too tired. Two days later we went back and I did the same route immediately. I had spent time for the two days in between visualizing the beta, my “flow” and mantle over and over. I nailed it on the first try without freezing up at the mantle. The time after that, I was able to try new routes and topped out over and over….and got down, too
My confidence wans if I go too long without success, but it is not back to square one each time…maybe back to square one-and-three-quarters…then square two. We have joined a new gym that has a 50 ft climbing tower and I am SO excited to “rope up” and REALLY work on the “heights thing”. Thank you again, Alli, for your honesty. It really gave me a boost!
April 25th, 2011 at 12:23 pmAlli – thank you for this post! Like Andrea, fear of heights was my reason to start climbing too. Having camaraderie about the fear makes it seem all the more possible to take one more step toward pushing through it. And then another step. And another. Its easier to work through it knowing that others understand and dont think i’m completely crazy when belting out a huge scream of terror while taking a small, 3foot fall.
Thanks!
April 25th, 2011 at 2:33 pmThanks for this timely article! I just got out on the rock yesterday, after a good
April 25th, 2011 at 3:05 pmice season. But found myself floundering and second guessing my way up a
bolted 5.8R.
It seems as though each season I have to go through a re-learning and desensitizing
curve… kinda frustrating.
@ToddB It can be challenging for any of us Todd but we are sure you will find calm in the process.
April 25th, 2011 at 3:47 pmI’m so glad that my experience can inspire others…I often start to think I’m “over” my fear of heights, only to get jolted back into reality when confronted by a new “scary” situation, like the fixed line this winter. Nope! Still there. Just more manageable than it used to be.
April 25th, 2011 at 5:02 pmNice article. Fear is a strange thing; it excites us too. I’m a 58-year-old tree climber and love it. However, there are those terrifying moments when I’m not “in my saddle” feeling the rope and saddle holding me, that I begin to feel the paralysis of fear begin. Even though I’m secure from falling very far, when I’m 50 ft in a tree a one-foot slip scares the “crap” out of me. All the panic and terror kicks in whether falling a foot or the full 50 feet. The body doesn’t know the difference.
Strangely enough I have a specific area in my body that first reacts to fear. It is my lower left back where I first sense the weakness of fear. The off balance fear starts there and works around to my stomach and eventually to my bowels or urinary track. Does it affect any one else in these areas?
I realized through tree climbing that the sayings “it scared the crap out of me” or I was so scared I peed my pants” are in fact probably true statements. I have yet to crap or pee, but just the fact that I can feel fear localized in these areas makes me believe these statements come from experience and are not just funny.
Anyone else know sense fear in this way?
April 25th, 2011 at 7:46 pmThank you SO much for this post
April 26th, 2011 at 2:39 am[...] an evolutionary standpoint, but it could be troubling for a sponsored rock climber. Alli Rainey filed an excellent post for the prAna blog about her own battle with a fear of heights. Rainey is a Harvard grad and climbs 5.14. Her method: [...]
April 26th, 2011 at 8:05 amIt seems to be a common theme… rock climbers who got into the sport to (at least partially) get over a fear of heights.
I wrote about it too in a post and even made a t-shirt design about it.
To quote myself: “And what about a fear of heights? Sometimes after looking at my latest climbing trip pictures, friends ask me if I still have it. I just smile and say, “I have a healthy respect for them”.
Thanks for your post, Ali, I love your subtitle for it too, I think it sums up the transition well.
April 26th, 2011 at 2:19 pmAlli,
Thanks for a great article and insight into a vulnerability that often leaves those of us who find ourselves irrationally afraid of something feeling rather alone in our fears. While not afraid of heights to the same degree, I am realizing that I am often paralyzed on those oft-sketchy approaches to crags. And watching my companions dance up them with grace and confidence is frustrating. It’s refreshing to know that I’m not alone and there is hope for me yet. :0)
(Funny that the picture of you in the article is from Red Rock Canyon where I was climbing this past weekend… and where I had a few freak-outs with the approaches.)
Great article and insight. Thank you!
April 27th, 2011 at 5:56 pmI started climbing in the Tetons (1979) not knowing I was afraid of heights. Though I don’t climb anymore, I did go home to NY a few years later & found out my family (mom’s side of the family only) won’t even go to see waterfalls because they are afraid of heights. When they came out “farther West” to visit me many years later, in a very scenic area, they still wouldn’t go see waterfalls; it is still one of my favorite things to do… and I have realized or wondered if the fear I had to overcome rock climbing might have been inherited … I still like to go bouldering, tho I don’t bend very well anymore, but I have to applaude anyone who would go out & conquer their fears, whatever they are.
April 29th, 2011 at 5:51 pmwow, that’s brave of you… i’m not afraid of heights, i love it actually… i love the scenery and all that jazz, what i’m afraid of is falling, so when i’m all done appreciating the scene and all, i move back as i get the feeling that i’m falling… but hey, maybe i’ll go bungie jumping…
May 3rd, 2011 at 11:59 pm[...] Rainey is an incredibly good rock climber who has learned to deal with a fear of heights. In a well-written article she opens up about her fear and writes about how she deals with it in her [...]
May 27th, 2011 at 1:02 pmThank you so much for this piece Alli. I have been climbing for three years and lately my fear of heights feels like it is completely overtaking me. Leading trad is scaring the hell out of me and at times I am even getting scared on one pitch top rope. I love rock climbing and I am actually scared that I am going to lose it due to my fears; but your piece really inspired me and let me know that we all go through it (albeit to different degrees).
Before I started rock climbing I could not go on a ferris wheel or come within ten feet of the edge of a cliff but just last month I swung leads on Cat in the Hat. As soon as I got down I thought – “oh it was only 5.6.” Your piece reminded me that I should have appreciated the successes that I have had and the fear that I have overcome. One of the great things about climbing is that it forces me to progress slowly. And by celebrating each little achievement in climbing I can continue to progress. Thanks again.
June 13th, 2011 at 10:20 amJanine (and all who have commented here and share a similar fear of heights)…you’re exactly right; every accomplishment that marks progress in confronting your fear of heights should be a celebration in and of itself, regardless of the climbing grade attached to it! After all, I was seriously psyched to redpoint the approach to the crag this winter…and it’s probably class 4.
Not my most impressive send in the grand scheme of things, but it meant a lot to me.
June 14th, 2011 at 8:30 am[...] SportsGoogle Answers: Information and treatment of Acrophobia (fear of …What is Acrophobia?prAna blog » Hi, My Name’s Alli Rainey, And I’m A Rock Climber …SoYouWanna go rock climbing?Acrophobia | [...]
October 24th, 2011 at 9:17 pmThis is really just a very late “me too!” post. And you’re idea of a support group isn’t really all that crazy
.
I’m 38 and I started climbing indoors a few weeks ago to help overcome my fear of heights and exposure since I want to start climbing some of the mountains out here in Colorado (and it’s good exercise). The first time I went I could barely get halfway up and it scared the you know what out of me. The next week I did manage to make it to the top once. I’ve set some goals which I hope will help (When I accomplish my first goal I’ll buy myself my own climbing shoes. Goal after that I’ll get my own harness, that sort of thing).
The thing that currently really gets me going is that my 7 year old daughter who is afraid of quite a few things can scramble all the way up there a dozen times in a day and not even blink. She gets a lot of help with the auto belay, but she’s not scared at all. So in a sense she helps “inspire” me
February 4th, 2012 at 6:05 pm